TERRY GROSS, HOST:
This is FRESH AIR. I'm Terry Gross. Existential dread - that's what my guest, Annabelle Gurwitch, says her new memoir is really about. It's the kind of dread she experienced after getting her diagnosis of Stage 4 lung cancer. She got the news in 2020 in the early days of the COVID lockdown. To make matters worse, she was separated from her husband, and they were divorcing. Odds are she would've been dead by now, but she has a form of cancer that's responsive to a new form of targeted therapy that turns off the gene that has gone rogue. But the cancer eventually outsmarts the drug, often in as little as a year and a half. And then it's on to radiation and chemo and a ticking clock. Though the drug is still working for Gurwitch after five years, the future remains uncertain. Over those five years, she's become a patient advocate, become a mentor to other cancer patients through a program in which she was mentored, and she's involved with helping medical researchers gather evidence of patient reactions to new therapies. Her new memoir is called "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker." She comes up with some great titles. Her previous books include "Wherever You Go, There They Are: Stories About My Family You Might Relate To," "You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story," "Fired," a book inspired by her experience of being fired by Woody Allen, the New York Times bestseller "I See You Made An Effort: Compliments, Indignities, And Survival Stories From The Edge Of 50," and "You're Leaving When? Adventures In Downward Mobility."
Annabelle Gurwitch, welcome to FRESH AIR. I'm glad you're alive (laughter).
ANNABELLE GURWITCH: Thanks, Terry.
GROSS: So one of your doctors made an interesting analogy that's the opposite of the warrior analogy, where, like, the cells are declaring war against you, and you're declaring war against them. He said, these are cells who've lost their identity. They don't know who they are anymore. And that's something you can really relate to, especially probably when you have a terminal disease, you don't know who you are anymore because there's the before-the-disease you and the after-the-disease you. So I thought, like, that's a really nice analogy that these cells don't know who they are anymore.
GURWITCH: You know, this is actually - that was come up by Ibrahim Cisse, who is a researcher, who was - won a MacArthur Genius award, who happens to be my neighbor and actually not my doctor. And it's interesting because when he said that to me not long after I was diagnosed, it was so poetic and so kind.
GROSS: And relatable (laughter).
GURWITCH: This was part of - and relatable. And say - so I was a C- science student. I never felt like I could understand science until people started telling me when I - after I was diagnosed, the story of what was happening in my body as a story. And when Ibrahim said this, though, these cells have forgotten who they are, I was flooded with a sense of compassion for my cells who were mistaking and lost their identity. And I felt like it was a story I could understand, and it was a way I could feel kind towards myself.
The language of battling and fighting made me also feel at war with my own body, which I don't find helpful. And this is also, I think, related to the idea that people get where we are told we have to think positively. We have to - it's attitude. I have been told by many doctors and nurses that my attitude is everything. And I just want to state for the record, I have a really bad attitude (laughter).Like, you know, like, one of the things that I feel like cancer is not taken from me is, like, my split-second judgementalness Cancer hasn't made me a nicer person, hasn't made me a more positive person.
GROSS: So you're asymptomatic, and that's hard for me to comprehend because it's Stage 4. Your life is...
GURWITCH: Yeah.
GROSS: ...Constantly at risk. So did a doctor explain to you how you can be asymptomatic with Stage 4 lung cancer?
GURWITCH: Yeah. You know, you can be asymptomatic with Stage 4 lung cancer because lung cancer is a really stealthy disease, and this is why it's such a big killer, still the No. 1 cause of cancer deaths, because some lung cancers, like the one I have, are not recognized by the immune system. So my body didn't know that it was - anything was happening, which is, I mean, I was going to regular doctor's appointments. And this is why it's often diagnosed at late stage, and such a big killer because it's not diagnosed at an earlier stage.
GROSS: You write that the diagnosis of Stage 4 lung cancer left your mental health in ruins, and you describe yourself as having existential dread. So, describe what existential dread means to you in your life.
GURWITCH: I think what I experienced as existential dread started out as maybe something you could say was akin to, like, a brain trauma. It was so shocking at first, this knowledge that was suddenly told to me about myself that I couldn't form sentences. I was speaking at the wrong speed. I was getting lost when I would leave my house. I was so disoriented and, you know, I lost track of my finances, and my car was repossessed. It was like I just could not function. And it was also that there - so much of my brain was being taken up by this anxiety, of this sense of impending doom or existential dread. I started to be able to manage that in a way that wasn't so physically manifesting in terms of, like, being able to barely function as a human. I had to stop driving 'cause I couldn't do all the things you do naturally, driving, at the same time. My brain just wasn't working right.
And then it turned into this more conceptual idea of, well, how do I live with this knowledge and not be crushed at every moment? Because the future disappeared from me. The way that you think about outcomes and future planning, and I had to feel like I had to make a different framework for thinking because I couldn't think about the future anymore. The future was too upsetting. And in some ways, it still is. I try - and so daily living became the focus of trying to fight this oppressive sense of how my life had, as I say, I felt like I was living in - Samuel Beckett play.
GROSS: Yeah, and you quote a Samuel Beckett line. I can't go on. I will go on. What does that mean to you?
GURWITCH: Yeah. You know, so I was - I had been an actress, you know, and I had trained in theater, and I had seen this play, "Texts For Nothing." And I had seen my teacher, who was a very legendary actor, Joe Chaikin say these lines from "Texts For Nothing" - I can't go on. I'll go on. And I remember I was 18 when I saw this, laughing, thinking, oh, that's so funny. It's, like, some hyperbole. You know, I can't go on. I'll go on. You know, and suddenly, those lines occurred to me, and I thought, how do you get from one sentence to the next? It was like this chasm had opened up between these two sentences, and I really did not know how I could go from, I can't go on, to, I'll go on.
And that's when I started thinking about this idea of devoting myself to what I call everyday joys or, like, cultivating these tiny victories. Like, just having a different metric for what would make me happy or also how I could go beyond my comfort zone, because my comfort zone was, like, I want to curl up in the fetal position and not do anything. How could I stay engaged in life? So then I had to say, well, maybe I don't know the things I like. Maybe I have to go beyond that.
GROSS: OK. We need to take a short break here, so let me introduce you. If you're just joining us, my guest is Annabelle Gurwitch. Her new memoir is called "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker." We'll be right back. This is FRESH AIR.
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GROSS: This is FRESH AIR. Let's get back to my interview with Annabelle Gurwitch. Her new memoir is called "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker." She has stage 4 lung cancer, but she's on a targeted therapy that's relatively new, and she has survived on that for five years. She's an author, a humorist and actress.
So after your diagnosis, you were still - you were already separated from your husband. You'd been separated for, like, three or four years. And you were first undergoing mediation - I think, like couples mediation - and then it was, like, divorce time. So that's a lot to go through. So you're dealing with the bureaucracy of the medical world. You were told to write your wills - you know, your will - and do all the bureaucracy...
GURWITCH: Yeah.
GROSS: ...Of death and potential death kind of stuff. And you're undergoing a divorce. I don't know how you handled all of that, but let's talk about the divorce a little bit. Did you want the divorce?
GURWITCH: The funny thing is, like, I knew we were headed for divorce. But then, when you get this other trauma, this diagnosis, for some reason, I thought, maybe we shouldn't do it. Now, that just makes no sense. But I think it speaks to the way the brain just wants to shut down, of, like, I can't deal with one more thing. And I knew it was the right thing. We were no longer in a good relationship. There was no reason for me to want to hang on to it, except it was part of my known life.
And suddenly everything - the rug was pulled out from under me, so I didn't want to get divorced at that moment. And it was actually a really healthy thing, and it wasn't my idea. It was actually my sister's idea to move forward in it 'cause I was stalling. We would get on these mediations, and I would say, I can't do this. I've got stage 4 lung cancer. The mediator - oh, poor woman. She'd say, how are you doing today? I'm doing terrible. How do you think I'm doing? I mean, I must have traumatized her. I was just hysterical. And my sister was like, you know what? You should take this step. You should do it. Just keep walking forward. And she was right. And I didn't want to do it. And it was the right thing to do, to just move forward. And it became this little model of staying engaged in life, 'cause I just wanted to shut down.
GROSS: Well, I can think of another reason why you'd want to stay married, which is marriage implies, even if in reality, it's no longer true, that you have a partner who will be there for you. You have an emergency medical contact. You have a support person. You have somebody who's, you know, pledged to be with you, even though, like I said, in reality, that might not be true. But you still want to, in the back of your mind, think that you have that.
GURWITCH: You know, that is true. But in fact, one of the things that I have learned in this experience is when you're going through a really difficult thing - you know, cancer, whatever kind of trauma - you really need more than one person to support you. If you think that there's one person, even if it was a - you know, a healthy marriage, that is going to be this support, one person cannot hold all that. And I've had to seek out so much more support than I thought I needed, in fact. And I signed up with something called Imerman Angels, even though the name really freaked me out. I was like, oh, my God. Angels? No. That's the last thing I want. And I got a mentor - someone I was matched with, someone who was a complete stranger. I was really averse to that idea. And my angel - you know, she saved my sanity.
GROSS: What did she do that helped you so much?
GURWITCH: Well, I was matched with someone named Hardye Moel, who - I thought it was a joke name (laughter). So this Hardye was 74 at the time and lived in Chicago. And she was a psychotherapist, first of all, so that was fantastic. And she had the same thing as me, and she had been living with the disease for a few years. And she allowed me to make jokes and to be, you know, into, like, dark humor. And she allowed me to accept the idea that I could die from this. And that was very upsetting to my family, when I would say things like, feeling great - still scheduled to die from this. And by not being someone in my life, my emotions didn't upset her. So I could call her. I would talk with her on my way to my every-three-months scans on the phone. She would ride with me the whole time, like, on the, you know, speaker phone. We'd talk about anything. And all my anxiety, I would - you know, I - would just fade away in our conversations about whatever television show or books. We were - she was an avid reader. And she wasn't, you know, in my family, in my circle. I never met her in person. And she was there for me in a way that didn't upset her. I knew I wasn't upsetting her, and it was a relief.
GROSS: She eventually died of lung cancer. What impact did that have on you? 'Cause she was not only your support person, she was kind of like a role model about how to live with Stage 4 lung cancer with this experimental therapy and still have, like, a decent frame of mind.
GURWITCH: Hardye became a role model for me because she just had this zest for life. And then when she had progression, her decision to not continue treatment because the side effects were too deleterious to her quality of living, she modeled how to die for me. Then she died. And I had to think about what she had done for me. And I stepped into a similar role with other people. I felt I should - (crying) this makes me cry a little bit because I'm very - I just want to share this with you. I was contacted by her husband, her spouse. He's still alive. And we're going to meet in a...
GROSS: Oh.
GURWITCH: ...Few weeks, which I'm very excited about.
GROSS: That's a new development.
GURWITCH: I didn't...
GROSS: Right?
GURWITCH: It's a new development, and I didn't tell him. I didn't contact him and tell him I was writing about her. This is always a difficult decision when you're writing nonfiction because, you know, I thought deeply about this and I decided not to contact him or the family. And I wrote about her, and the family has been very touched that I'm keeping her alive. She was a really beloved person. And Don and I are going to meet in Chicago, where they lived, and I'm very excited about that.
GROSS: So after your mentor died, you became a mentor to other people in that same program through which you found her. What did it give you? I know you were giving the people you mentored something, but what did they give you in return?
GURWITCH: Terry, if I had been diagnosed with breast cancer or something that I feel has more services and more support around it, I might not have stepped into this role, but because there's still a stigma with lung cancer about connection to smoking and also because we are this first generation that is surviving - people just didn't used to survive with lung cancer. So this is a new population of people, and it's very scary and underserved.
So I felt I needed to step into this position to pay it back, and I started becoming a mentor through Imerman Angels. And then also, I mentor people who - anyone who's basically contacted me through my website, I came forward in The New York Times and on "Good Morning America" and - with specific aim to help educate about lung cancer. And people started contacting me.
So I have a number of mentees, who I try to do what I - Imerman has certain, you know, guidelines. And I try to follow those guidelines with everyone I mentor, where I try to be supportive, not judgmental, like I actually am. I have mentees that are- find comfort in religion. Also, I have some mentees who wear ribbons and who also do, you know, things that I don't do myself, but I try to - I feel I've been very privileged because I attend these conferences as a patient advocate. So I have access to knowledge that I need to share back with them. But also, having been a survivor this long on these medications, I know a lot about the side effects and also about advocating for myself with doctors, and I've learned a lot. I feel I need to share that.
GROSS: Well, we need to take another break. So I'm going to reintroduce you. Again, if you're just joining us, my guest is writer, humorist and actress, memoirist Annabelle Gurwitch. Her new memoir is called "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker." We'll be right back. I'm Terry Gross, and this is FRESH AIR.
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GROSS: This is FRESH AIR. I'm Terry Gross. Let's get back to my interview with Annabelle Gurwitch. She's a humorist, memoirist and actress. Her new memoir is the bestseller "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker." Gurwitch was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in 2020, when she went to an urgent care clinic to get tested for COVID. She has a type of cancer that's responsive to a targeted therapy that turns off the gene fueling the cancer growth. Though the cancer eventually outsmarts the drug, often around 18 months of use, it's still working for her five years on, but no one knows how long that will last.
Are there things you stopped worrying about because they seemed inconsequential?
GURWITCH: Yeah. And, you know, I'm a little hesitant to say, like, and now I don't worry about money or the future 'cause those creep in, but I do try every single day to not be in future thinking because I really don't know what the future is. And so that has relieved a little bit of the worry about it. You know, the problem is - and this is what I'm writing to in the book - is - so I started out writing about making peace with my death, and then I lived. Then I'm writing about, well, how do you live when you thought you were going to die? Like, the world of - as people who are Zen practitioners - which, let me just say I just have a very brief knowledge of - use that phrase the world of things. When you're still engaged in the world of things, then you worry about outcomes.
The very first thing I thought of when I got diagnosed - this was my first thought - well, never have to write a book again.
GROSS: (Laughter).
GURWITCH: Oof (ph) (laughter). Worry about that. Cancer? Eh (ph). Writing a book, that's hard. And then I did start writing a book. And so then, that daily churn of, oh, I thought I was done with ambition, I thought I was done with outcomes, starts creeping in. I have felt a little bit of relief from the future. And although one of the things that has happened - because I've survived now for five years - at first, I stopped worrying about my financial future. And then a friend - someone who's become a friend - Dr. David Carbone, who's the chief of thoracic oncology at the James Cancer Center, said, Annabelle, you know, I had to tell someone - and this was someone with early-stage lung cancer, which does have a better survival rate. But he said, I told them they were cured and they said, oh, no, I spent all my money. And actually, in the advocate community, we all know this person (laughter). Like, this is a real person who did this. Because, you know, it is tempting when you get this diagnosis. I mean, I did have a little bit of sort of mania at first.
GROSS: So something else that you haven't done is you haven't turned to religion. And I want to ask you if you'd thought about that at all.
GURWITCH: Yeah, not for one second. Not for one second did I return to religion. You know, if you really want to think about a world with no God, think about being diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer out of the blue, during COVID, in front of your kid, being asymptomatic and not having been a smoker. I didn't for a second want to return to religion. And the thing that I do write about in the book is how religion is monetized and commodified to - sold to very vulnerable people - people like me - going through difficult times. And that, to me, is really criminal because a lot of the wellness gurus out there with their magical cures for cancer and other diseases are braided into this selling of religion. And it was not something I considered, but something I want to bring light to and just say that my five years of survival, I am made of pharmaceuticals, caffeine, no God and personal lubricants (ph).
GROSS: (Laughter) I want to talk about your relationship. When you were diagnosed with the lung cancer five years ago, you were separated from your husband, you went through a divorce and then you found an old crush who - you were both married when you met, and you were both now separated. And you and he - Jeremy - started a relationship that you're still in. Do you live together now?
GURWITCH: We do live together now. And, you know, when you say this, I was just reminded of something. I am such the person that rejects the idea of, like, oh, finding love again that I really hate these things. And in particular with this, when you go to doctors' appointments, very often, they will say, oh, do you have someone here to support you? And I'm that person who likes to go alone. And at first, you know, I've had to talk to my doctors about this. I said, you know, when you say this to people who are there alone - and they'll say, like, isn't there anyone here with you? - I said, think about that. You're kind of making people feel like they're missing something. And so just because I'm that person, I wanted to reject the idea of finding someone 'cause I didn't have - want to have someone to support me through this (laughter) journey just on principle (laughter).
GROSS: OK. But you even say - you don't describe your relationship as you love him. You have a deep...
GURWITCH: Oh, God (ph).
GROSS: ...Fondness for him. Why are you rejecting the word love and substituting deep fondness?
GURWITCH: The idea of getting involved in a relationship at this point in my life seemed absolutely something way too big. You know, too big of a gesture. Too much to - who's going to want to get involved with someone who has a terrible prognosis? And then also, do I want to involve someone new in this time in my life? It's involving someone in your life, involving someone in your death. This just seemed like too big a thing. And it was my angel, my mentor, Hardy (ph), who, at 74, said to me - 'cause I had reconnected with this man, Jeremy - and she said, you know, you could be in it just for the sex (laughter). I was like, I haven't done that since my 20s or whatever. It just - it seemed ridiculous. But it was a small step. It allowed me to say, OK, I'll just be in it for the sex. It was a very small way to enter into a something - or, as the kids call it, a situationship. And then, well, as we started to stay together, I just - like, the idea of love came up, and that was too much for me. So I said that I - I don't even - it just came out one night, before I even thought about what it might mean. He said, I might be falling in love with you. And I said, and I am deeply fond of you (laughter).
GROSS: Were you afraid that he would reject you - that you'd fall in love with him and then, as you got sicker, if you got sicker, he'd leave?
GURWITCH: Now, that's a narrative that totally makes sense, right? Doesn't that make sense? Of course. Of course, I was afraid of that. I also was afraid - and I still feel this way. And I also really and truly don't want to be invested in the future in the sense of, like, what would be a successful outcome in this relationship? Would it be that we stay together and he stays with me through my death? I don't know. But why is that the narrative we want to hear? How about, we're in this wonderful thing now? And that's just the metric I live with now.
GROSS: We need to take a short break here, so let me introduce you. If you're just joining us, my guest is Annabelle Gurwitch. Her new memoir is called "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker." We'll be right back. This is FRESH AIR.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
GROSS: This is FRESH AIR. Let's get back to my interview with Annabelle Gurwitch. Her new memoir is called "The End Of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys Of A Cancer Slacker."
In talking about your partner, Jeremy, who you're quite fond of (laughter)...
GURWITCH: I am (laughter).
GROSS: He is in the music industry.
GURWITCH: Yes.
GROSS: And he made you this offer - like, hey, do you want to come to Europe with me? We'll go to Italy. We'll go to Paris. We'll go to - what was the other place?
GURWITCH: Say, would you like to go on a European whirlwind trip? We'll go to London. We'll go to Prague. We'll go to Amsterdam, the countryside in the Netherlands. We'll go to Paris.
GROSS: That sounds like - pretty great, so you wanted to do it. And then you found out the actual purpose of the trip and what your role would be. Do explain.
GURWITCH: So then - and I'm like, yeah. This sounds like a bucket list. And as a matter of fact, that day, earlier in the day when we were having dinner, when he made me that proposition, I had been at my oncologist, and I had hit the 18th month in treatment, which is the average time people get on the drug. And my oncologist had said, now is the time to drink the fine wine. So I'm like, this is exactly what the doctor ordered. Then he said, well, you know, I manage this heavy metal band, and they're on their first trip to Europe. And to save them money, I'm going to be driving a van, and you can come if you'll come and work as their merch girl (laughter).
GROSS: And your reaction was?
GURWITCH: Well, in my head, I thought, this is the worst...
GROSS: (Laughter).
GURWITCH: ...Idea I've ever heard in my life. But at that moment, I was doing, you know, one of these, like, framework-in-thinking experiments, which was, take contrary action. Do the opposite of what you think is a good idea. So I said, yeah. I'm in. And I just did not think it was actually going to happen. I said yes 'cause I thought - you know, this was a new relationship. We were, like, three weeks in. It was after COVID. You know, I just didn't think it was going to happen until I was standing in the parking lot in Heathrow. I just didn't - I packed the night before. And then there we are, standing there in the parking lot in Heathrow, looking at the van, which was much smaller than it looked in pictures. Jeremy slides the door open and says, welcome to your home away from home.
GROSS: The van?
GURWITCH: Yeah. And out of the van falls an empty beer bottle, a nicotine patch, a half-eaten bag of crisps and dirty socks.
GROSS: (Laughter) OK. So let's make matters a little bit worse. You were on a very limited budget for this tour and booking hotels for, like - what? - $120 a night? Or euros.
GURWITCH: Yes. Yeah. Who - I don't even know...
GROSS: But...
GURWITCH: ...What it was.
GROSS: But it was cheap.
GURWITCH: And...
GROSS: These were horrible...
GURWITCH: I'm surprised...
GROSS: ...Hotels.
GURWITCH: ...It even cost...
GROSS: Yeah.
GURWITCH: ...That much. These were - this was, like - one of the hotels we ended up in is, like, a place where you wake up in a - in an ice-filled bathtub without a kidney. And there was - but when we get to Paris, we end up in this hotel that has bleach stains on the carpet and a mound of toenail clippings. There were bars on the window on the fourth floor, and there was no fire escape.
GROSS: (Laughter).
GURWITCH: I don't even know what kind of terrible things - plus, there was a Mr. Coffee coffee maker in the city of cafes. I mean, I had this fantasy that was Bogart and Bergman and "American in Paris," and I'm kind of - you know, do the whole "La Boheme," but with higher-thread-count sheets and a better ending for me than Mimi. I had all these fantasies - crashed. Also, the band hated me (laughter). I just - well, I would - no. I would - I can't say the band hated me, Terry, 'cause they didn't care enough to hate me. They were actively ignoring me.
GROSS: Because you were a woman?
GURWITCH: I tried to...
GROSS: Or because you weren't a fan and didn't know heavy metal music?
GURWITCH: They were 27...
GROSS: Right.
GURWITCH: ...Years old and on a - first time in Europe and on a tour they hoped would change their life. And what I didn't expect - and so I'm trying to, like, Jewish-mom it. I'm getting them snacks. I'm charging their phones. I'm giving directions. We're tracking down lost suitcases and the merch. And then I did sell their merch. And I sold $1,400 of their merch, and they gave me the gift of indifference.
I didn't know what a gift that was until they gave it to me. What I realized was their ignoring me was such a relief. This - you know, it had been a year and a half since I had been diagnosed, and everybody was treating me - as you would, you know - my life, as someone who now had stage 4 cancer. This had subsumed my identity. And these 27-year-olds didn't learn my name. They didn't know anything about me. They never asked a question about me. It was such a relief. I wasn't that cancer patient. I wasn't Cancer Mom, as my son had called me. I was Band Mom, and it was fantastic.
GROSS: If it was me, I would have never, ever gone on this trip. I mean, you had been...
GURWITCH: (Laughter).
GROSS: ...Getting chronic UTIs, which it turns out... ...
GURWITCH: Yeah.
GROSS: ...Was really related to a side effect of the medication that you're on, the targeted therapy. And, you know, the last thing in the world you want to do when you're on the road and in horrible hotels, including one where the bathroom's down the hall - you know, you have to live close to a bathroom when you have a UTI 'cause the frequency is so frequent. And you even had to camp out one night, which - I mean, you were in your 60s. That's, like, not comfortable.
GURWITCH: Now, I just want to say - so not only did I have UTIs, but, you know, the gastric side effects of this medication can still come on really strongly. So...
GROSS: And you don't want...
GURWITCH: In order...
GROSS: ...To be in a van if that happens.
GURWITCH: You also don't want to be in a porta-potty...
GROSS: Oh.
GURWITCH: ...If that's...
GROSS: So true. So true.
GURWITCH: I mean, it's the nightmare. So there were all these precautions. I was traveling with a suitcase full of pharmaceuticals, over-the-counter supplies. What I had to do was to only eat bread on the trip. I was so afraid of any other reaction of any other food that might upset my stomach that I only ate bread (laughter), and I didn't eat a lot. I mean, it was a little extreme. And I did sleep one - I just want to - we stayed indoors. I - we did not have to stay in a tent, but I did have to sleep one day - at the music festival, the Pinkpop music festival, because there was no room in the tent that was the band's dressing room, I had to take a nap in the rain under a picnic table (laughter).
GROSS: Oh, gosh.
GURWITCH: So - but, you know, that's my superpower. I was able to - on a concrete slab under a picnic table. But that was my superpower. I could do that.
GROSS: You're lucky you didn't get sick.
GURWITCH: I am lucky I didn't get sick. And I did have one of those really dark nights of the soul in the hotel in Paris, where I wasn't sure I was going to wake up with all my organs intact. You know, I'm not proud of this.
GROSS: So I just want to say, I wish you continued reasonably good health and a longer life than you expected. Now, can I say that without sounding like I just said something that's an offensive cliche or that I shouldn't have said? Is that all right? 'Cause I mean it.
GURWITCH: No, I really appreciate that. And I also just appreciate, Terry, the reasonably good health, 'cause that's what I can expect. So I really appreciate that. I really love, for reasonably good health. That sounds great. I'll take it.
GROSS: OK. Good. Thank you so much for talking with us and for sharing so much.
GURWITCH: Thank you so much, Terry.
GROSS: Annabelle Gurwitch's new memoir is called "The End of My Life Is Killing Me." After we take a short break, John Powers will review a new Netflix series about a tortured Oslo police detective. This is FRESH AIR.
(SOUNDBITE OF CHARLIE HADEN'S "EL CIEGO (THE BLIND)") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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